Happy long weekend! (Some assembly required)

January 1, 2012 3 Comments

I hope everyone is enjoying their Christmas and New Year break. I had a great Christmas weekend, plenty of family came over to enjoy my hospitality. Before they were allowed to enjoy themselves though, I sent them downstairs to take care of the Christmas Eve assembly.

You know those playhouses they have in the Target catalogue each year? I finally got one of those. The box it came in was surprisingly small. Not to worry, I wasn’t even going to attempt construction of that thing! When the men-folk opened the box they basically found a bunch of planks and instructions saying it would take 2 men 8-10 hours to construct, and that they would need to drill holes.

What the hell?

I expected a box with 4 pre-assembled sides, 2 roof slopes, and assorted doors and windows to attach. I could have gone to the hardware and bought planks myself.

They worked about 4 hours on Christmas Eve, drilling and bashing away in the garage, but couldn’t get it done before morning. Just following the poorly translated instructions was exhausting enough. They finished it off the next morning though, and it is lovely. Total construction time was about 8 hours, the instructions were right on that point.

One of Bubba’s presents was her very own Crazy Coupe car. She’s always chasing the other kids at daycare trying to have a turn, so I thought this would be a neato little outside toy for her. I also thought I could assemble it myself, I mean how hard could it be? Looking at the picture on the box I decided I would find a base, a roof, and 4 wheels. Click click click, done. Nope, another assembly nightmare. There were about 50 pieces, not a single section came pre-assembled. Not even the wheel units were ready to just plug and go. No, first you had to go invent the wheel and save the factory the effort. The daft little car took over an hour to assemble, and it wasn’t even me doing it. If I were the one building it, Bubba would be riding around in some sort of abstract sled thing.

I just can’t process mechanical instructions. I look at the parts, then the instructions, and clowns start riding a unicycle in my brain.

Looking at the Target facebook wall it would seem I wasn’t alone this Christmas. Next year Target, how about labelling the catalogues and product boxes with a hint as to how much of your life construction of a toy will consume. If I knew the playhouse would take 8-10 hours and require a power drill, I might not have bought it. Or if I still did, I would have planned better.

I completely understand the cost cutting measures in play, all I ask is a bit of warning.

Thanks

Blundermum the constructionally challenged.

 

3 Comments

Secret Santa: ‘Tis the season to give sucky gifts

November 12, 2011 2 Comments
The Office Secret Santa

You call this a gift? Seriously??

It’s that time of year again. Let’s draw names out of a hat and pretend we like the person we’ve drawn, while secretly plotting some passive aggressive gift punishment against them.

C’mon, we’ve all done it.

Or even worse you sign up to a group Kris Kringle voluntarily, because you know some lovely gifts will go around and this year you might just get one of them.  In truth,you’ll inevitably get the shockingly bad gifts you always receive.

Personally, if forced to participate I try and think of super awesome gifts. Apparently gift cards are not acceptable for publicly opened gifts, they’re ‘not in the spirit of the activity’. Every gift has meaning  though, so this year be careful what you’re saying.

 

Gifts I’ve given in the past:

  • Pretty plants in good ceramic pots – to a woman who always had a plant on her desk.
  • Leather note book – to a wannabe writer
  • Various homewares – to everyone else because they’re pretty innocent and un-messagey. Here, have some nice teatowels/mugs/spatulas…

 

Gifts I’ve received in the past:

  • Wine cooler bag – from a colleague who knew I rarely drink
  • Weird handmade recipe book full of blank pages and ribbons sticking out everywhere like an inbred beetle. From someone who knew I didn’t cook or like girly shit.
  • Perfume – either because I stank, or didn’t wear any. I don’t wear perfume because it gives me asthma. My relatives should know this.
  • A picture frame – to force me to decorate my spartan desk/prove I had human relationships?
  • Home made cookies – ok, wtf? We were GIVEN $20 petty cash. At least buy a nice $2 plate to put them on, not a paper one covered in gladwrap. They weren’t even chocolate. Tightass.
  • Product samples – you know the ones you get in the mail for free. Another tightass.
  • Charity donation – at least let me choose my own charity. I don’t give a toss about your bleeding heart. Mine is stone. Pony up the fucking cash.

So this year when you agree to the budget, keep in mind that you can’t just give something crappy and expect something awesome in return. Don’t cheap out. Also,  homemade doesn’t count as value unless you do it well, terribly sorry. Give your crafts to your mum. Your colleagues will smile and thank you, but forever know that you’re a demented cat lady who hasn’t been laid in a decade.

For the record, for ever and after, I love gift cards. I accept them at any occasion, to any store. Flat envelopes excite me.

What’s your worst Secret Santa?

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2 Comments