Thanks for coming. Would you like some innuendo with your pap smear?

January 27, 2012 8 Comments

The DOCTOR is in

There seems to be something about me that encourages my doctor to not only chatter endlessly without actually listening to me detail my symptoms, but also to slip in dirty references at each visit.

I was telling him how my asthma meds weren’t working, and that it’s really not cool to be seen sucking on a great big spacer in public. He of course replied with something dirty about how I could be sucking on something more inappropriate.

Saw him during my last pregnancy, the one where I decided to have a c-section rather than shred my pelvic floor and prolapse further. I had to get examined for such things so I could make an informed decision. While down there he was being a little rough, and when I said ow he said something about it not being any worse than a penis and he’s sure my husband’s fits just fine.

Obviously he doesn’t check my records at all or he would know this house is a doodle free zone. Not going to go into how a baby got in there, you can do some various imaginings, but my records clearly state I am a single, abstaining woman. Why not say sorry, I’ll be a little more gentle. Why mention penises at all? I know I can have a female attendant present, but why should I have to?

Now that I’ve recently got my letter reminding me to come in for a smear, I don’t really want to. I hate to think what good natured smut he might come up with.  I’m quite sure it is good natured. He’s a very nice guy, just seems to have a rather inappropriate sense of humour and seems to think I share it. Apparently staring at him and changing the subject is encouraging. Or perhaps I’m a little scary sometimes. I have had terse words with him a couple times for being a tard about my sister D.

I saw another doctor last week about my asthma. She said my male doc had given me a paltry dose of steroid preventer and no wonder it wasn’t doing anything. I have a severe problem, I should be on the one higher – at least. Don’t mind me other doctor, I’ll just lie down and die while you make dirty jokes and prescribe children’s medication and tell me I’m breathing wrong.

Mum suggested he might have a thing for me. Hardly, he’s seen my busted vagina. If you put your best face forward in the dating market, my vag isn’t it.

We will stop seeing him. Sorry doc, it’s not working out. Fortunately, changing to a female doctor means my pap smears will be innuendo free.  Or one hopes so anyway!

What do you think? What’s the most inappropriate thing a health professional has ever said to you?

8 Comments

Now with bonus scrud!

January 20, 2012 4 Comments

As I sat in the darkness of the cinema yesterday I was having trouble breathing. No worries, I’ll pull out my trusty puffer and have at it.

Seconds later I was inhaling handbag scrud. Dirt, crumbs, bits of unknown stuff. An asthma puffer isn’t a sealed unit, and scrud easily finds its way in. In hindsight I should have checked it first. In hindsight I have night vision too.

Which brings me to my list of things that should not roam freely in a handbag, even if you have the cleanest bag in the world (and are therefore probably not a parent of young children). Get individual travel cases right now for:

  • Asthma puffer. For the reasons above. mmm crunchy inhaler spray.
  • Tampons.  Partly because you don’t want them tumbling out while you rummage, and partly because scrud doesn’t go in lady parts.
  • Hairbrush. Not only because you don’t want to put scrud in your coif, but because you don’t want hairy snacks. Unless you’re a bush lovin’ lesbian.
  • Spare underwear. Yours or your children’s – I’m not judging – but when you’re looking for a tissue, don’t get confused.
  • Tissues. I’m too cheap to buy the travel packs, I just shove several in loose. Which then get torn and manky.
  • Makeup. Sometimes your lovely and expensive makeup will work its way open and decorate your other posessions.
  • Sunglasses/reading glasses. Scratches aren’t cool.
  • Dogs. Okay, you’re a freak, let’s get that out of the way. Next, because you don’t want it rubbing its junk on your lipgloss. Or do you?

Have I missed anything?

Sure, your bag now resembles that of an OCD person, but for good reason. Putting everything in its individual handbag pocket isn’t going to cut it, scrud travels. Trust me.

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