How to be really, really stylish.

Since blogs about style do so well, I thought I’d hop on the bandwagon and share my tips on how to be really, really stylish. Not any old regular level of style, no. This is the no nonsense, telling it straight guide.

Tall Boots & Jeans √

You must wear boots all the time. Long ones, but not over the knee ones, because darling, we’re not prostitutes or fishermen. Choose boots just long enough that you can wear them with capri jeans (or jeans you grew out of) and nobody will realise you were just too lazy to wash your full length jeans. Or that you ate too much breakfast to fit into them today.

Tall Boots & long skirts χ

This makes your bum look big, and shrinks your height by about a  foot. Don’t ask why, it just does. It also makes wearing long boots pointless. Save some money and get less boot for your buck.

Multiple scarves √

Up to 2, that is. And that means 2 slim ones. We all want to be Nina from Offspring. Any more than two though and you start impersonating a snowman dabbling in bondage.

Missing buttons √

View them as a percentage. If your jacket has 10 buttons, and you’re missing 2, that’s an 80%  button retention rate. High five on being well dressed!

Trendy nail colours  Χ

Yes if you’re pretending you have a fungal disease. No if you really do.

Leggings outside the gym Χ

Sure, you can wear leggings as pants. Look in the mirror with your long jumper or shirt and think you look hot, good for you. Now turn around. Since bums are sneaky, check it’s actually covered. Now pretend to sit down, while looking in the mirror. Pretend you have to turn to check your chair first. Ask yourself, did the leggings hold up their end of the bargain on that angle? Did they stretch obscenely? Do you have severe panty line issues?  If you were already seated in the chair next to that incoming derriere on descent, would you be uncomfortable? Finally, check if they have a control top and cotton gusset, because if they do, they’re probably pantyhose and nobody can pull off that look successfully.

Uggboots  √

Uggboots are for warmth. Buy ones made of actual sheep. If you buy synthetic ones due to either being too poor or being a sheep loving hippie, don’t take them off around me. Foot odour is not sexy. Similarly, if you’re wearing ugg boots in public, make sure you’re wearing appropriate clothes. This means uggies do not go with bikinis. Nor do they go with short shorts. Or tank tops. One puts slippers on when one is cold, after one has put on a cardigan. Did your mother teach you nothing?

And finally, just to prove that I am indeed the style icon you should all imitate, here is a look I pull off quite well. In fact, I am a trend setter and will soon feature in Vogue accordingly.

Re-purposed baby leggings. In public. I have many designs.

What’s your best style advice?