First, set aside the entire freakin day enough time.
Mine totally comes out looking JUST LIKE THIS
You will need:
- A helper
- An audience
- A BBQ in a box
- Screwdrivers
- Spanners
- Shifter
- Power drill
- Asthma puffer
- Panadol
The instructions helpfully advised me to unpack all items and familiarise myself with the components. Sure, done. Lotsa black bits. Audience will leave footprints on pieces as they stomp around trying to see better. Follow the instructions and make the base by securing the sides to the bottom shelf. Try and use the correct screws, even if they think it’s idiot proof by labelling them things like S1547GHVB003 to uniquely identify them, and all you want to read is “put the blue screw here”. Speaking of which, who says all the screws have to be black and look the same? If I ever manufacture something requiring assembly, besides children, I’m going to colour code everything. Also note, it’s okay to smash unnecessary parts to pieces.
Smashed wheel trim. It was being naughty.
Realise you’ve put a panel in backwards. Take 5 steps back. Add 30 minutes.
Congratulations, you are now the equivalent of 10 minutes into the job for someone who isn’t you. Add the doors. Shit. Doesn’t go there. Or there. Ah, the door casing is in backwards. Would have been an easy fix if your helper didn’t tighten the screw with herculean strength. Ok, corrected. Doors in. Shove them closed. Don’t care if they resist. Tell the audience to get back in their cardboard boxes and leave you alone.
You live here now
Take a break for lunch. Time taken so far: over 90 minutes
Back to work, slaves! Instructions say to put the grill bit on the table bit and secure it.
Exposed skin, must raspberry! I feel like a wet version of Sylvia Plath
Next, attach the side burner/tables. Spend hours doing this, because the screw hole isn’t small enough/you’ve lost the correct screw/you don’t have Mr Tickle arms. Try doing the same thing repeatedly, hoping for a different outcome. Eventually grab the cordless drill and force the fucker widen the hole. Get the screw in but the side burner is still not particularly secure. Used up too many screws that don’t go there, but don’t care. Had hole, did fill. No nuts of the right size to make the most important one tight though. Note to self, don’t cook on that one just yet. Not enough screws/nuts to attach the non-lethal shelf. Oh well.
Decide where to put your BBQ. Some might say you should have considered this before you bought one, but I’m not a judgemental kind of gal. Personally, I don’t have a weatherproof cover yet, I was too cheap to pay $50 for one Jamie Durie rubbed himself on, so I put my brand spanking new grill in the dirt outside my kitchen window temporarily. I know his name is on the grill, but in my defence, I don’t care. He put clothes on, I lost interest.
Handprints, grime, garden gnome bums and dirt.
Total time taken: 4 hours. Except theres still some plastic in there that needs to be removed and I’ve just realised I haven’t tightened all the screws. Good thing I didn’t know how to buy a gas bottle.
Look, spare parts!
Not the right ones to add the other side table though!
Oh sod it, just shack up with some guy who already has one and will happily cook on it for you.
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Yeah, but the loving raspberry made it all worthwhile. All those years at uni paid off! I DID tell you to get your brother to help. You know your father will dismantle and rebuild it next time he visits.
Haha, I told her to get Ad to do it too ;) He can fix it on the weekend.